June 6th Surgery - no more delays

I woke on June 6th feeling better - hydrated, but in the hospital still preparing for this surgery that I could not get my head around. How did I get here? What was it they were removing? I had a bad feeling and just kept thinking "stay positive" it is powerful! Yeah right, and in the next breath I thought of all the things I could have, should have done different in my life. It was that innately "bad person" that got me here...smoking, eating fatty foods, living unconscious to the concerns of others! Oh, I thought I had some power - please god let me have some.

I was to wait out the day until Doctor T. was available. Michael and Amelia had come back to keep me company - it is all a bit of a daze when I try to think back on this day. I don't want to remember to tell you the truth.

Finally, the time came and I was put on the gurney and taken down to surgery. Amelia braided my hair - I took it out, it made me feel like a little girl. I am the mom and grown woman and I needed to feel like that. We all waited patiently for Dr T. My anastigiologist team and I joked - I do this when I am scared. Then they said it was time to go. I remember kissing Amelia and Michael. I will be back. I love you both so much.

I remember nothing - I was under. Then I woke and know the first words out of my mouth were, "Is it cancer"? My surgeon looked at me and said "yes". I cried. Where was Michael? He was right there. Shelly and Mark came in. Just 30 days ago Shelly and I were joking when I first found the lump. I told her I had the strangest feeling I was going to be in the hospital and she had to promise me that she would not let people visit me without my teeth in. I had had oral surgery and a denture to replace teeth and was very very self conscious. None of this mattered any more. I wanted to hold my daughter and survive! Again, is there a god? Whatever is there please, please let me make it!

Amelia came in and the lead resident on the surgical team - Dr. Rosen and I told her together. I was a bumbling idiot. She held my hand and was trying so hard to be brave. I don't remember what happened next....

The next time I woke it was night and I was in so much pain.

I have so much to catch up on and the re-writing is taking time, especially with such an emotionally charge and frightening environment. I will fill in all the blanks, but want to keep you up to date. I hope you enjoy all the post surgery experience and strength and keep looking back to see how I got here and looking forward for all the time I spend living!

Peace and love
Jen