Dad's....

My dear friends father died this week.  My heart goes out to her.

Fathers are what?  They are…provider, loving husband or partner, devote, a friend, mentor, and hero. They are abandoning, abusive, critical, chronically unavailable, and liars. Most are a tapestry of these descriptions and then some.  Many, fortunately have the less scarring traits than others and some really live up to the mythic ideals…all are human beings.  It seems we rarely come to the realization of our parent’s humanness until they are gone.  If fortunate we finally forgive or celebrate, possibly both – because no matter their character and imprint on us, we would not have had this experience without them….they gave us life.

The tale of parent and child endures to the end no matter how we grow up.  Some of us need them less, later in life only to realize we lost so much by not needing them longer or sooner…others of us learnt not to need them and then never stopped needing them no matter how old we get. With each generation we give it our own new twist of the dialogue - lines to our own family plays.

And a woman held a babe to her bosom and said speak to us of children…

Your children are not your children; they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.    They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you they belong not to you…you are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness...Kahil Gibran

I am the daughter of my father as is my dear friend of her father – and both our fathers were the sons of their mothers and fathers and their mothers and fathers – as will be our own children.  Sometimes the bow is stable and the arrow flies…sometime the bow is weak and the arrow still flies, and sometimes the bow is weak and the arrow drops, or sometime the bow is steady and the arrow still cannot fly…but life keeps on going.  Hopefully no matter the journey we learn a bit of reverence, a lot of humor and love.

Love to you Stac

Jen 

Happy Anniversary to ME!

I am alive and well! Just last year about this time, say June 6, 2008 to be exact, I had the rug pulled a bit out from under me. Just a little stage 3 colon cancer, my lovely pup of a lifetime - Blackie, went to that big dog run in the sky and my father died in October. Oh, and Amelia went off to college, and I lost my job - holly cow! No don't think that for even a minute. Yeah, sometimes I think that for a few minutes and then....

You know there are hundreds of thousands of people who are in much more pain and having a far more tragic time than I have ever had - even with my worst years. I have never lived in a national war (maybe a little personal one), my daughter's health and journey has been nothing short of blessed - I am so grateful for her joy and freedom. My friends are always there for me (and I hope I am there for them), my family is trying to find its way back and I have opportunities abounding. I am alive!

You know it really is all in how you look at it. Like it rained for what has felt like 40 days and 40 nights, but see what it brought to my little fire escape garden for us.....Gerber daisies - thanks to Felice!

Three things to be grateful for:

1) rain

2) sunshine

3) color

For anyone who is having a hard time, in any way...my heart goes out to you and may you find peace.

xoxo

Jen

Back In the Saddle....

I have been running, swimming, hiking, biking, yoga and all that jazz....most of my life.  Just a few years ago I was a little frustrated and decided I needed to push myself, so what did I do? What any other 5' 2" frustrated woman does...I joined Team In Training and did the NYC Ford Triathlon for the The Leukemia Lymphoma Society.  It was the most exhilarating 31 + mile experience.  I have never forgotten what I gained in each stage.  The .9 mile swim in the Hudson River was the hardest.  I am a swimmer, who went to the gym and put in her time.  I windsurfed, sailed...but was terrified of the loss of control and distance in open water.  I also had smoked on an off over the years - swimming a mile is no easy task...my lungs and heart were feeling the pain...would I make it?

  

I had to really believe I could carry myself through the unknown.  The 24 mile round trip bike up to the Bronx was a quite reprieve - a place to regain energy lost in the swim.  I congratulated myself on what I had accomplished so far and prepped for the end....6.2 miles over and into Central Park.  I had found my high and I was kicking on to the park course and I new I was going to be fine.  

I almost did not finish my training for that journey - friends and family kept saying I had nothing to prove and if I was too tired and the swim was too much that I could bow out....I couldn't.  There have been many tough fears over the years - and at times they have won.  I needed to know I could rely on myself.  I finished, exhausted and triumphant.  

I often meditated on those moments over the last year.  As I write this I wonder...was that experience guiding me for what was to come?  I was not able to swim through chemo because the drugs Folfox (5 FU and Oxaliplatin) - the Oxaliplatin caused unbelievable aching in my nerves in my ears and chest.  I ran on occasion and walked in my good weeks....

Because of the severe vomiting to a point of dehydration and pain I was perscribed a steroid, Ativan, Emend, Vicodin and a few others... I gained 20 pounds - all to get through 12 treatments over 6 months.   I resented the torture to my body, but I made it...it saved me and it was the hardest journey of my life.  I rewarded myself this past Sunday....

Running the More & Fitness Magazine 1/2 marathon with my dear friend Gloria Cruz!  The heat killed the event.  They had to close down the full marathon and cut the half marathon to a "fun run" for the safety of the athletes.  

We did it though!  Gloria and I clocked  7 Miles in 2 hours and 8 minutes.  I am so very proud of myself and my friend.  Gloria had nursed me and her husband through chemotherapy this past year...only to then loose her job and find that her mom is facing colon cancer as well.   Gloria is so deserving of this personal success and so much More...

Three Things to Be Grateful for:

1) A desire to Live

2) Friends to share challenges and triumphs with

3) The joy of accomplishment - it is food for the soul

xoxox

Jen

 

Giving Back to The People's Firehouse and NAG - Engine Company 212

So as my treatments are coming to an end I have been rallied on my good weeks to help my community and those who have helped me.

Felice and Jane are leading the capital campaign committee for The People's Firehouse and Neighbors Allied for Good Growth to renovate the Firehouse Engine 212 to be the new home for these two beloved neighborhood non-profits. For those who are unfamiliar The People's Firehouse has organized for the Williamsburg community since the 70's when Engine 212 first faced a shut down and from that time served as a community watch for fire protection - see the WNET film.

Neighbors Allied for Good Growth literally shaped the waterfront of Williamsburg Brooklyn with a number of other key groups and our Community Board. NAG has tirelessly advocated for an inclusive community where not only the gentrification creates accessibility but that they our neighborhood - community is a continue refection in the minds eye of development.

Building the Northside Town Hall
The Engine 212 firehouse was one of several decommissioned in May 2003 after a bitter community fight. The three-story, 6,000 square-foot building will now be given back to the community to become the Northside Town Hall Community and Cultural Center. After a competitive proposal process, Neighbors Allied for Good Growth and The People’s Firehouse, Inc. were awarded the rights to adaptively reuse the former firehouse located at 134 Wythe Avenue in Northside Williamsburg as a community center. The newly redesigned building will house office and meeting space for the groups and other community organizations, as well as exhibition and performance space for local arts organizations. The two organizations are now engaged in a $1.9 million capital campaign to fund the redevelopment of the former firehouse site.

So now it is our turn...both of these organizations need our help to make this all come true. Please email if you have an interest in helping in any way - armproductions@aol.com

Stay posted for updates

Jen

Give Thanks with family and friends - November 2008

A picture says a thousand words, or maybe one special word - family.  It has become a tradition for Adrianne and Jeff to have us over for Thanksgiving dinner.  We do the turkey and a few sides...this year we tried a delicious cornbread stuffing with fresh corn and cheddar cheese.  Yum!  Adrianne makes the most amazing pecan pie - straight from Austin Texas!  It was wonderful to have Barbara - Michael and Jeff's mom and Amelia home from school.

Deb & Steve had us over for a lovely post Thanksgiving bouillabaisse with new friends to meet and old ones to visit with.  The food was delectable and great to see Allie and Brian...thank you Deb.

You know when life forces you to think about the moment your in, each becomes so much more precious.  It is hard to go through something like cancer and not be affected in a way that makes you grateful, thankful...I am sure it may get tiring for others to hear, for me in this year I never tire of the love I am so fortunate to be surrounded by.

With so many unexpected things happening - losses in the economy with jobs, savings and homes I think about what shapes us.  If we can all remember it is not money, the size of our homes - it is our character, the love and hope demonstrated in times of trial that our friends and family will remember.  To all who are facing loss, hold on for the shape of a new you to come from whatever you may go through.

Happy Thanksgiving to the world....

Jen

Jen's Blast Thursday Oct 16th

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you to all who are helping organize and have made contributions to create such great success for this event - Felice, Glen, Steve, Teresa, Donna, Vicki, Jane and Hugh. Thank you thank you thank you to all the businesses and friends who have donated for the raffle and silent auction - your unquestioning generosity is profound to me. Thank you so much to all my friends, and most humbling to the people who only know us from the request of my friends, for donations that have been made and mailed even before the event has taken place.

I also want to thank Michael Hewitt who has been keeping Amelia and I afloat with his hard work. This is so not what we expected - what I expected as a mom and woman who has worked my whole life.

I don't have words enough for all of you....for a community that has been here for me for over 20 years. May I continue to be there for all of you in ways that you may need - please never hesitate to ask.

Warmest regards,
Jen

Halfway there! Round 6 of Chemo complete - yeah!!!

Hi all...

Yesterday I became a television star - see me and my doctor speak on early detection for Colon Cancer on NY1.

In addition, friends and family have been busy helping organize a fabulously fun and needed fundraiser for my family. Cancer hits on so many levels we least expect - see the link to this exciting must attend fall event with raffle and silent auction at Jen's Blast. Kwiat diamonds will be donating a stunning piece, local art work and fun classes for your children at Kidsville - so keep looking back to see what comes up. If all of this is not enough to get you out then come for the great sounds of Hugh Pool, the most handsome blues / rock man in town.

So much to catch up up on and I am trying....I have left space below to fill you in with surprises of inspiration and fun - watching Amelia go off to Hobart William Smith and the joys of having a mom around in the most challenging of times!

But for now let's talk round 6 Chemo! The processes has gotten much easier with the help of many western drugs - gotta love that Vicodin and Adavan. The real kicker is the acupuncture! East meets West every week - starts on the first day of when my chemo pump is connected and continues for the next two days. I go again on the following week when I am recovering. My energy feels smoother and although I still find myself pretty weepy the second and third days of chemo - the pain has subsided so that I can stop sleeping on the bathroom floor...somehow the cool tile is just enough to numb the aching bones. Recovery for the good week seems to come more easily and I put myself into action for everything other than caner! My life is just going through a passage that will only enhance me as a human being - this I do believe. See my dear friend David Greenhouses' holistic center which is supplementing my health care needs with acupuncture. David and Myung-Jin Chung are giving me a great gift! Again the words thank you feel so minimal....call to find out more 718-599-3113 & 212-277-4406

I miss my swims - the nerve endings in my ears can't take the cool weather and water for now. I guess the triathlon is going to have to wait until first of next year. There is still morning runs and biking so anyone who wants to spend a fall weekend biking give me a ring!

A tip on good books to read - Eat, Pray, Love - a chick book with a message for us all to live from the heart! Get up and get going!

The Friday Night Knitting Club - o.k Shelly I finished it in spite of the ending and still find it triumphant and a good quick read...sometimes people touch us in ways that surprise us - Deb and Joanne I think of all I have learned from you and it keeps me going.

And now three things to be grateful for :

1) Community - I live in one of the best parts of American, voted in the Utne Reader over ten years ago, but for us who have lived here and built on the foundation of some very special old timers - Gigi we will miss you, we are all blessed

2) Friends and Family - maybe this is my big lesson....never be too grateful to those who touch your life whether for a moment or a lifetime

3) Hope and dreams - listen to your heart and be brave to do what is inspiring no matter how silly or frivolous

With my warmest thoughts to you all!

xoxoxo

Jen

Let the sunshine - or the wine flow, maybe both!

I have great friends! Debbie G comes to swim with me on my good days. Shelly gave me a little knitted shark that I can carry with me and Mark picks me up from chemo. Stac comes to visit me and takes me for a manicure and pedicure. Vicki E checks on me after each treatment and then again in my good week. The Cruz family gives me secret pomegranate/papaya seed juice with magic powers. I get hugs and encouragement on any given day from Jen, Kat, Liz and Krista. I have a home away from home at Felice and Glen's home and Teddy's. I reconnect over a wonderful fall lunch with Deb and Steve. Mr. Lowery makes sure we have great NY entertainment while mom is in town. My neighbors Mark and Nancy offer me morning coffee and their ever watchful loving eyes, and my family is welcomed into Patty and Richard's home for much needed reprieve and fun. I am so fortunate...there are stories with each of these wonderful people.

Patty and Richard and I became friends through our kids. Our friendship is enduring. I am lucky that we have gone beyond our children to a place where we are friends because we would be friends even without our kids. Those can be rare introductions through the course of your child's life. As parents we meet so many new faces. Preschool play dates, elementary school PTA, middle school plays, fundraisers and high school. O.k high school is usually the cut off for parent introductions. I was so lucky over the years, and quick to recognize those I knew instinctively I could sit through drinks with - a weekend away or a holiday get together. They are very special couples and have in many ways become extended family when mine was not close by - I thank them all!

Patty, Richard and I (Amelia and Ry too) have had the great fortune of traveling together and surviving it with many happy memories! We have spent countless weekends cooking, singing and sipping great wine and sharing the tales of life. So when mom and Michael had reached the end of their ropes and the kids were off to college - the grown ups took the opportunity to get our groove on in the vineyards on the Long Island north shore. Patty and Richard have a beautiful home and are so generous to share it with their friends!

Mom and I . Michael, Patty and Mom tasting wine.

Not every week is a chemo week. It is so important to remember that life keeps going and that I must keep going with it - and my loved ones (friends) make it so much easier. I am a lucky woman!

All my love to my extended family - my friends...

Jen

Second part of round 2 Chemo - recovered by August 12th

Hi - a solemn hi,

This sucks! Had to have the port repaired on August 6th in the morning and then my lovely friend Debbie G took me over for the completion of my Monday chemo - thanks Deb.

O.k, finally rebounding a bit. I got back my results for the genetic testing - all family members can sigh a big relief as this does not look to be a predisposition of gene growth! Yeah! Val congrats on your clean colon - Kel is next and all the cousins need to still go!

As of yesterday I was ready to hang up this chemo thing! I feel like I am in a fight with the Terminator and he is winning - damn him all to hell! Today I had the most amazing conversation with my health insurance company - Oxford Freedom has a nurse and a social worker for me. They both were so available and understanding and pointing me in directions that are making me feel more optimistic and that I can get to my next treatment....chemo is not for the faint of heart and soul! I am going to Gilda's Club on Thursday and reaching out to CancerCare for more support. Michael has arrived and so there is nothing like love to heal the soul! Having his arms wrapped around me is a blanket that nothing else feels like and so now for the big three grateful's

1) Love - to have a grown up true love compares to nothing.

2) Friends that have set an example of how to grow that love - Patty and Richard, Joanne and Richard, Debra and Steve, Felice and Glen, Shelly and Mark.  I am grateful for the joy and humor I have had in watching relationships that last lifetimes - and don't think I am not aware of how fragile and the work I see you all put into them.....

3) Courage is not what you do when not afraid, but steps we all take when the dark comes and we need faith to move us forward when we are walking a solemn path.

Next treatment next week - Wednesday and mom will be here to hold me and help me heal - I am lucky.

I will be in touch - thank you all for all the support! Patty and Shelly and Dawn - Bill Lowrey were all my angels and saviors last week! I could not do this without you and I am so damn lucky to have the most amazing friends!

All my love!

Jen

First chemo July 22 - friends and family note

Hi guys....Shit this is tough! All my optimism and praying went straight out the window after chemo last Monday and I found my ass laid out - or better yet sleeping in the bath tub Tuesday night. I also have to send a big thank you to the Cruz family as Dawn held my head and rubbed my back on Tuesday night while not even saliva would remain down in my system! God help me please and that is not a slight begging and pleading either!

I also learned how important staying in contact with the chemo nurse is - her name is Pat! Super Cancer Girl cannot go it alone! So after much re-hydration on Wednesday early AM and the removal of the 5 FU (emergency rush in at chemo central with nurse Pat) - and many many anti nausea drugs, angel Patty took me under her nook and loved me back to health! Then a big shout out to my burg pal Liz who came over with the first season of the Muppets, Top Ramon noodles and more liquids than stocked at Costco!  Joe (Amelia's boyfriend) stayed over to babysit Thursday night and finally a little french toast and fruit stayed down on Friday morning! Remember three things to be thankful - well that day one was french toast!  Oh and that Quiche - well let's just say eggs, cheese and pie crust are not favorite food flavors now and may never be again!

Val arrived Friday for the second angel swoop in and nurtured me with hugs, kisses, picnics and I got to swim laps in the big Astoria Olympic outdoor pool Saturday. Debbie G joined us and we had great laughs and all looked very sexy in our bikinis - the 40+ trio. The steroids for nausea kicked in and you would have thought my binge eating disorders had come back - excuse me sir could I have your baked potato right off your plate! We ate crepes and drank a beer with fries! It was more than what any doctor could have known to prescribe!

Sunday Val leaves after yet another wonderful day of togetherness (oh how I love my sister) Kel you toooo! And then we begin the 2nd colon cleansing - MoviPrep for Monday AM colonoscopy. What the hell is with that name! The whole process did not go so well and the vomiting started - emergency call to the doc and we end up going the old fashion route with over the counter Fleet products! TMI Uh!

O. k but here is the great news that you can all jump for joy - stand on your desks and sing the praises to the DNA, cell dividing universe "The rest of Jen's colon is clean and clear"! When I told Patty half sedated I cried me a river - a river of relief and thank you god for some good news! Something to be grateful for today - clean colon! Oh and the waffle and fruit I had 10 minutes later and was able to enjoy! So for this week the big push is work, last week was a bit of a set back.

The other is breath and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy life and be so grateful for all the love I have. Amelia comes home this weekend - YEAH and turns 18! Honey here is the biggest hug and kiss for you - smack! Her dad is taking her and Joe to Puerto Rico for her B-Day - WOWOOWOWOWO! I will be here holding down the fort with round two next Monday and my cancer possee all in place with lots of hydration and armed with new drugs to hopefully make all easier. Thanks for all the notes and support - Mom I can't wait to see you! Jo, I am coming to CT to drive you and Richard crazy in the pool for a weekend. See cancer let's you invite yourself to your friends country homes!

Oh - anyone interested in some inspiring reading check out http://www.crazysexycancer.com/ - my pal Stacy had it delivered to my door step this weekend and Val and I are now graduates of cancer college or at least enrolled. The young woman who wrote the book is amazing! See you Tuesday Stac!

Three things to be grateful for:

1) A great new GP and news of clean plumbing! This may be on the list everyday for a while!

2) A loving home to take an afternoon nap in after a hellish prior week

3) The best damn cancer posse a girl could dream of

4) an extra one - a mom who listens to you cry on the toilet when there is nothing left in you - literally

I am so grateful today for all of you! Hugs and kisses Jen

First Chemo July 21, 2009 "hope is key word"

Photo by Joe Cruz http://jpcphoto.blogspot.com

Hellooooo for chemo headquarters!

First day and Patty and I wowed the staff at NY Presbyterian. Patty a big public Thank You! Dr Ocean was wonderful - we arrived at 12:30 and left around 5:30. We started with a half hour discussion of how I was feeling, healing from surgery, a little bit about the nasty cancer. I told her I did not want to know more right now about the cancer - I wanted to focus on healing as I am not intending to be anything less than a defying statistic!

So I went shopping yesterday and have protein powder for fruit and yogurt shakes - being careful about not too much infusion of vitamins as it can be counter to the chemo. I am taking a vitamin D3 and can explore magnesium and calcium which can help the numbing and or tingling in my finger tips and toes. For right now we are just watching how I feel as I want to allow for the full effect of the drugs. I spoke with my pharmacist and she is also giving me info to read on anti oxidants for post chemo - one of her employees is a cancer survivor. Lillan at Chopin Chemist has been unbelievably helpful and is supporting me to go the traditional medicine route without judgment and helping my dietary and holistic habits for post chemo. I also am meeting with an acupuncturist - I want to see what they have to say. My doctor is also very on board with my explorations as long as I discuss anything with her first....she wants me to let the scientific medicine work also.

I get one drug for 4 hours intravenously through the port - which is just a plastic rubber item under my skin on the right side of my chest that has a tube going down towards by heart for direction into my blood stream from my heart. The port was put in last Monday surgically in an out patient visit to the hospital - went well. They prick me in the port with a needle and hook the IV up and I sit for 4 hours (worked on my resume, thank goodness for the laptop, and watch DVD with Patty today - DVD not sooo exciting). Then they take that IV connection off and change to a new drug, leaving the needle in. New drug is the 5FU and this one is connected and a rubber tube (like an extra long condom filled with the drug) is in a plastic case, which I carry around in a very ugly black fanny pack, and this pumps into my IV for 2 days. I learned today how to flush the port and remove the needle myself so I can disconnect this second drug myself and have FREEDOM! I have been playing nurse (not Ratchet) for my surgical spot for the last couple weeks and it is healing and closing up very nicely. Chemo is every two weeks - 12 sessions if no problems with side effects. I am going for my colonoscopy Monday July 28th with my new GP and gastro folks. They work with the team at NY Presb. Yeah for the opportunity to get poked up into my but with a camera and surgical tools! I can hardly wait!!! Wish I could go virtual on this one. A little nervous.....Oh, for my athletic and mental health I am gearing up for a triathlon - only 15 miles in total but I can do all the disciplines - swim, bike and run. All who want to join in we can be a team - I will leave you all in the dust!

I sent a letter to Amelia's school and they reviewed her financial aid package and offered her more funding - I am soooooo grateful. Amelia comes home on August 2 and Michael arrives August 10th. I have been able to see Val and Kel at the beach in Mass and spend weekends with Patty and Richard at their home. Dinners with Shelly and Deb keep me from feeling too alone and love through the universe with my dear friend Stacy and her aunt Ester. Everyone is helping with healing - the words thank you can not carry the weight your love has taken off of my shoulders. I am attaching a little surprise showing my new haircut - whacked off all my golden locks for a new more stylish peaceful warrior. Please send all cancer jokes -- we make much fun of this whole crazy experience and sometimes that laughter is just what the doctor order!

Ok last new trend and one I hold dear to my heart - 3 things to be grateful for daily. Sometimes as small as learning about Greek yogurt to health insurance and severance to carry me for a bit. So here are my 3 things to all of you for today:

1) Kiss and hug - with a friend, a lover, a stranger who might need a pick me up...I am so grateful for all I get from all of you

2) Cooking - fresh, healthy foods are good for the spirit and body. Tonight's dinner Jen's homemade quiche with broccoli, mushrooms (vitamin D), grape tomatoes, three cheeses - mozzarella, ricotta, cheddar with 6 eggs. Yummy and good for you!

3) Walks when a breeze is blowing - this is the wind of the universe talking to you about what is important! I love that sound through the trees when you walk on a quiet street on a warm summer afternoon.

Everyday these thoughts remind me of how good I have it!

Lots and lots of laughs and love,

Jen

Keeping an eye on healing - Monday June 16th stop in TLC

Dr T saw us on Sunday and cleaned the wound / incision again.  It still hurt like hell and I felt weak - but I am feeling slowly like myself and the wound swelling is down.   We are lucky he is so attentive. 

Monday is a big day - June 16th, back to Dr. T and Christine cleans my wound.  She is ordering the nurse and it will take a couple days so in the meantime I will be visiting Dr. T and Christine. 

Ursula will be my visiting nurse and she will come on Tuesday - we all hope.  Mom is coming on July 18th for a few days to see how I am fairing.  I have a couple appointments with oncologists and she will come with me for the first interviews.

I stop by Dr Dar's office - after seeing Christine.  My first assessment with an Oncologist.  He is a general Oncologist and I am concerned that I have a specialist for colon cancer and Dr. Dar is very understanding.   He suggests Dr. Kozuch, who was with St. Lukes / Roosevelt and is now with Beth Israel.  His specialty is colon cancer and his residency was with MD Anderson.  My appointment with Dr. Kozuch is June 20th.  My appointment with Dr. Cohen with St. Lukes / Roosevelt team is June 19th and Dr. Ocean of NY Pres / Jay Monahan Center.   The calendar is filling and so is my head with questions.  The more I know the more I question.

I stop by TLC -The Licensing Company to fill my employer in on my health and what is going to happen next.  I am scared of this conversation.  Michael comes with me.  I am fragile from the healing of the infection and my weight is down, but I am determined to show that I able to keep moving ahead.  

Angela and I have a private conversation - what am I thinking about doing?  How will I heal and the time I may need.  I am diagnosed with Colon Caner and will need to start chemotherapy - 12 rounds, one every two weeks after healing from surgery.  I am currently interviewing oncologist and will most likely start treatment in July.   My hope is to work on my good weeks, or they say I may be able to work all the way through.  Angela takes this all is and tells me to stay in touch over the next couple weeks - to focus on my healing.  I let her know I am coming into the office next week for a couple days.

It has been a long day and I am feeling the pressure of so much - close my eyes and rest! Michael takes me home after I have talked with each of my co-workers...it is a small office and everyone is worried.  They all give me hugs and well wishes and I am on my way home....

Tired and scared

Jen

Friday the 13th - shit!

Michael and Patty go with me to see Dr. T.  I am going to go by to see the first Oncologist with St Luke /Roosevelt who is just a few flights down from Dr. T. 

The oncologist shares and office with my gastric doctor and I am eager to hear what he has to say. I am more eager for Dr. T to take a look at my incision.  I check in with nurse Christine and she immediately tells be that Dr T. needs to take a look.  She pages him and I wait - Patty and Michael are with me and Christine has said that it looks like my incision will probably need to be lanced as it appears infected.  Oh how my motherly instincts serve me - but to be lanced!  This does not sound good.  Christine assures me that a local anaesthetic can be applied / injected - but we need to wait for Dr. T.

After much debate we all decide dropping down to the oncologist is probably not going to work out so we call his office and have to reschedule for either after my visit with Dr. T or at a later time....we wait for for Dr. T.

Dr. T finally arrives - the following is full of foul language and smell...be warned before reading on.  

Dr. T takes one look and then asks Michael and Patty to move to the waiting room just outside the office I am in.   Dr. T tells me to lay back and try to relax - he is going to need to lance my incision.  Christine takes my hand and tries to make me comfortable.  I ask about the anaesthetic - Dr. T says it is not going to help at this time and that he needs to proceed. I should envision a calming place, say the beach.  I think oh fuck I don't think so.  Remember that plastic that was poured into my incesion well that stuff has to come out first.  Shit - and that is just the beginning of the term shit.  

Now my incision and the surrounding area - all around my belly button is red and swollen. Image a surgical tool made of metal picking out the plastic poured in - then imagine me screaming bloody murder of SHIT and if you touch me one more fucking time I am going to pass out from pain.    The lancing had not even taken place yet - both Dr. T and I were growing more and more frustrated.  He trying to concentrate - Christine trying to calm me and me trying, really trying to endure what is more painful than birthing my daughter.

I take deep breaths and visualize the water, Dr. T makes the incision and then with his 6 foot frame of surely over 200 pounds presses down onto my stomach to a burst of infection that comes out with the foul stench of a port-a-potty.  I am screaming from pain and fear that my colon is now exposed - why did I not go back into the hospital for this?  Dr. T reassures me that this is a cleaner and better environment and all is almost over - just hang in there!  Dr T. continues to clean out the infection pouring water into the incision hole and then suctioning the liquid out.  I have closed my eyes and began begging for mercy.  My colon is not exposed.  Yes, the drama is wildly out of control.  

Slowly Dr. T then fills the wound with a bacterial healing gauze and gives me an antibotic perscription - when we are done Michael and Patty come to my rescue.  Christine helps me up and Dr. T tells me he will see me in his office on Sunday.  They are going to have a visiting nurse start next week and have my wound cleaned on a daily basis.  O.k he has redeemed himself by coming into the office to care for me on a Sunday, but really!

Remembering all of this I want to cry.  I have felt such an invasion, and my body trying so hard to recover.  Surgical infections after colon removal can often happen given the nature of the location.  Bacteria and waste - surgery and recovery.  

I have survived one more step.

3 things to be grateful for:

Michael and Patty

Christine

Dr. T (maybe I am a bit pissed at him still) 

Ester my savior June 12th

My dear friend Stacy brings aunt Ester and the ball of healing starts rolling.  

When I was in the hospital I took the initiative to get a list of in network doctors / oncologist and then asked my trusted lead resident, Dr Rosen on what he thought - he helped me look at the list and made a few suggestions.   

I decide I am going to approach this process as best I can and with the professional attitude that I have approached my career and raising Amelia - ask for the advice of others more versed in what I am doing (Ester to the rescue), do research and interview the potential candidates.

Ester took the list also in hand and made her suggestions.  She had also brought over the New Yorker Magazine list of top New York doctors - I was heading in the right direction.  The oncology group at St. Lukes Roosevelt is a top contender.  While in the hospital my gastric doctor suggests another Dr. with St. Luke / Roosevelt who I schedule and appointment with - I am to stop by his office on the 13th.  Ester also suggest New York Presbyterian - so does my own little Dr. House, Patty Disken Cahill who I would trust with my life any day.  She has nursed her daughter with infant diabetes for 18 years and she and her husband dear Richard want only the best for Ryan and that is a good enough reference for me - NY Pres is at the top of the list.

Ester, Stacy and I spend the afternoon talking.  Stacy has brought me a comfortable dress so I can move out of the pj look.  Amelia soon takes over the very cute dress later in the summer - life does get back to normal and this is all good.

My incision still feels a bit hot and the pain medication does not seem to be doing much - it hurts, signs that I know from being a mom there is an infection!

I am grateful to be seeing Dr T tomorrow.

Peace - J

June 10th going home

Finally my body is working again.  After colon cancer you can not leave the hospital until your colon - intestines demonstrate they are able to eliminate waste.  Ah and mine has made a demonstration worthy of letting me go home.  I can not say I will miss the hospital.  I have found a way to work with the nurses - and to understand the strain of their schedules.  The food in hospitals have not changed for decades - it is time to address the issue of health and nutrition.  I am appalled that a liquid diet still consists of jello, ginger-ale, apple juice along with beef bullion.  With so many other choices... a visit to Whole Foods by Michael only helped not hindered my health.  An orange, ginger tea and fresh lemon juice is what finally got my body working - simple real foods.

My incision feels a bit warm and I worry about infection - my surgeon is confident and Dr. T is sending me home.  I am ready - did I already say that.

Mark Albright is my knight in shining armor - he and Michael are breaking me out of this joint. 

Oh Mr. Hewitt - you hold my hand through the toughest times

Michael comes back June 2, 2008 for surgery - thank you my friend and lover....if you hit the title you'll know a little more about how I felt in that moment.  Sappy, yeah but oh so true...