June 9 Day 3 "What is tender and when we fall"...

I have known this recollection would be one of the most difficult.  

I woke and had resolve - I would shower today.  I needed to wash my hair, blow it dry, put on a clean gown and make my rounds.  Damn it I wanted out of here.  Michael was coming this morning as he had been every day since he came back to be here.  To be here...what had that meant?  Would he stay after my surgery?  Would he move back into my life?  Did I want him to?  I know I love this man.  He has a heart - generous with all he has even when to me it may seem so little.  Are we right for one another?  Too many questions and none which need to be answered today he would say.

He shows up and comes around the corner, he looks exhausted, but still says, "Hi honey".   I quickly and somewhat quietly respond, "Hi, I want to shower, please help me clean all of this off".  I don't know what "all of this off" really means.  I know that I feel sweat and grime, but there is more.  Fear, collapse, failure, where do I go from here - Michael takes my hand and tries to reach up around to lift me out of bed.  It hurts - I have to find my way myself, a position that I can manage so I scoot to the edge of the bed and try to pull myself up.   Go little cowgirl by your boot straps - that is how you are going to do this!  I can't...I can't do it alone and Michael reaches for my arm as I try to shuffle across the floor to the bathroom.  

He has gathered all my supplies and I am fragile - they have disconnected the IV so I can be in the water.  Naked, holding the bar in the stall I sit on the ledge inside and let the water, warm roll over me - begging to cleanse me and tears come too.  I will never be the same and I barely recognize myself in some ways.  I don't know what to trust.  Michael reaches in and helps me shampoo my hair - sshhh it will be o.k.  I look up and see his kindness and his fear.  

This is not what I, what we planned - such vulnerability.