Dad's....

My dear friends father died this week.  My heart goes out to her.

Fathers are what?  They are…provider, loving husband or partner, devote, a friend, mentor, and hero. They are abandoning, abusive, critical, chronically unavailable, and liars. Most are a tapestry of these descriptions and then some.  Many, fortunately have the less scarring traits than others and some really live up to the mythic ideals…all are human beings.  It seems we rarely come to the realization of our parent’s humanness until they are gone.  If fortunate we finally forgive or celebrate, possibly both – because no matter their character and imprint on us, we would not have had this experience without them….they gave us life.

The tale of parent and child endures to the end no matter how we grow up.  Some of us need them less, later in life only to realize we lost so much by not needing them longer or sooner…others of us learnt not to need them and then never stopped needing them no matter how old we get. With each generation we give it our own new twist of the dialogue - lines to our own family plays.

And a woman held a babe to her bosom and said speak to us of children…

Your children are not your children; they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.    They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you they belong not to you…you are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness...Kahil Gibran

I am the daughter of my father as is my dear friend of her father – and both our fathers were the sons of their mothers and fathers and their mothers and fathers – as will be our own children.  Sometimes the bow is stable and the arrow flies…sometime the bow is weak and the arrow still flies, and sometimes the bow is weak and the arrow drops, or sometime the bow is steady and the arrow still cannot fly…but life keeps on going.  Hopefully no matter the journey we learn a bit of reverence, a lot of humor and love.

Love to you Stac

Jen 

Father's Day

Red Shoes - it is a horrible tale that ends in such tragedy. I thought of the story as I had spent the day trying to be as kind to myself as possible.

It is the first father's day after my dad died last October. Yeah I wish I could say he had been memorialized by a tribute from his children and loved ones...we are spreading his ashes on July 11th on a mountain top in Colorado that is just now going to be accessible. Some will attend - others will not.

Oh how easy it is too hang on to so much - desire, ambition, expectation, and even dreams. All such human qualities. Maybe that is why the story of the Red Shoes is so tragic. The desires of a little girl to have such pretty shoes and feel special - how normal. Hans Christian Anderson is a morbid and frightening man. Or is he? When we wish so much for something to happen, for life to be so much more and fight against ourselves and everything else to satisfy that desire do we grow out of step, lose our footing. Maybe my dad had done that with his life...he was so out of step with those who so wanted him in their lives. Life is a balance. Parenting can be an even more precarious balance. Letting go of what does not come to be is hardest.

When I left the writers group I attended for an hour and looked down and saw the women's shoes that sat outside the meditation room - I stopped. One pair of east Indian slippers with beads, a pair of Converse and a pair of patent mary-janes...and all red. I have two pairs of red shoes - one I wear for business, they are quite fashionable and the other pair when I am feeling a bit childish. I have lots of other shoes too to keep the balance.

Jen

February and the results are in............

As of February 19th, for today, my body is cancer free and this is how I feel...be playful with your lives - Please! Be grateful for your World...

Keep checking back to see what happens next - many surprises!

Hugs and more hugs

Jen

Happy New Year! 2009 rings in New Beginnings....

Here is to new beginnings and the joy of celebration just hours after my last chemotherapy treatment for stage III colon cancer. Diagnosed 6 months ago - miles ago, what feels like years ago and then in reality was only days or and minutes ago. It took me some time to post all of this - just over 30 days. Each day it all sinks in a bit more, and each day my energy comes back and the anxiety finds a way out - in my steps out the front door and into my new life as a cancer survivor! It felt like a bad nightmare - was this real? I go mid February for my first PET scan and will take each one as it comes, every few months to help guide my next steps. Thank you to you all for your support and believing this day would come! Thank you thank you thank you....those are my three things to be grateful for - to be thankful!

Love,

Jen

East meets West documented in treatment #10 December 1st

Round #10 with just two more treatments to go and we are in the throws of the holidays....visitors, cooking, and chemotherapy.  Yikes....Michael is my knight in shinning armor and accompanied me to treatment this time and took care of me for my three days. Did I remember to say "Thank you"...

So as I had described in previous posts my dear friend David Greenhouse with Greenhouse

Holistic has been a guiding light for my alternative treatments including acupuncture.  My acupuncturist Myung-Jin threw no false punches when first interviewing me back in July. Acupuncture would not cure my cancer.  What acupuncture would do and has done for me throughout my treatment - was to aid me in managing pain as the chemotherapy drugs caused tremendous nerve pain in my ears and chest when breathing, manage nerve issues in my hands and feet and aid me in keeping my menstrual cycle regular. Often during chemotherapy neuropathy is quite common - a numbing sensation in the hands and feet as well as a complete loss of menstrual cycles.   My experience of neuropathy has been up and down - but I did retain my menstrual cycle throughout my course of treatment which my doctors found to be a bit mysterious. I attribute these successes to my acupuncture and a diet high in raw fresh juices, fruit and vegetables.  

The plastic tube in the pictures is the chemotherapy pump that I come home with for two days and then we disconnect from the port - so every other week my acupuncture treatments took place while I was having my chemo treatment.  At first I wondered if I would implode!

In addition to the physical health benefits the calming effects of the acupuncture aided in keeping a mental balance and a place where I went once a week that my practitioner not only new but expected me to have a very layered experience at this time in my life.  

My daughter's lovely boyfriend is building his portfolio and I needed a good photographer to record my treatments...photographs by Joe Cruz.

Three things to be grateful for:

1) Friends who are so giving - David and Michelle Greenhouse I can never thank you enough!

2) Mynug-Jin Chung my highly skilled acupuncturist

3) Joe Cruz...thank you for loving my daughter so sweetly and sharing yourself with us

Peace

Jen

Birthday November 9th turning 46

I woke up early - 4:00 AM.  There had been lots of talk among family with my birthday coming up.  Birth is our first recognition of our arrival into this experience of "life"...so it was no wonder while going through cancer treatment that the idea of being here still and making a birthday was touching my family.  I don't know which is harder - the idea of an illness taking my life and pondering that thought and what happens with death or how my family and loved ones would be affected.  I know these comments are hard to hear....and I did have a birthday and it was wonderful.

We started the day very early - I felt compelled to see the sunrise and Michael was kind enough to join me for a ride out to Rockaway beach.  Living in NYC seeing the sunrise, actually coming up over the horizon takes a bit of effort - and when you do the reward is fantastic, humbling...that life is so much bigger than us which was a perfect way to start the day.

That whole idea of life being bigger than us became a bit of the theme for the day - once we recovered from our early morning rise we headed off to the Museum of Natural History and the origins of man wing...it was all so spontaneous and not planned and turned out to be a perfect way to spend the day.  Just think of the whale that hangs over the hall of sea life and how big that is - huge and how small we are in comparison!  Or the tree base showing the rings of life 

for hundreds of years!  You know we all have such a finite experience here and we often forget to celebrate each moment - don't worry too much about what has happened or what may happen.  Yeah it so much easier said than done....we all just need to try.

Happy days and birthdays to you all...Michael thank you for the very special day.

xoxoxo

Jen

 

Portrait of love

Mom, Amelia and I by Stephen K. Schuster  www.stephenkschuster.com

Wikipedia - An oncology nurse is a specialized nurse who cares for cancer patients.

What does Wikipedia know? Does Wikipedia know that an oncology nurse at any moment may be caring for multiple patients, delivering a myriad of drugs, yet with the single focus and precious commitment they attend to you. Does Wikipedia know that when you first see your oncologist that the nurse will become your greatest advocate and mentor in your toughest journey. Does Wikipedia know that your oncologist nurse hurts when you hurt and laughs at your foibles and jumps for joy like no other at your successes - they watch you fight the fight of your life!

My oncology nurses, Pat and Nancy along with the whole support team at the Weill Cornell Medical Center / Jay Monahan Center at NY Presbyterian Hosptial hold my heart on my toughest days and deliver it back to me when I have strength....every patient should be as lucky as I am.

Love
Jen

Let the sunshine - or the wine flow, maybe both!

I have great friends! Debbie G comes to swim with me on my good days. Shelly gave me a little knitted shark that I can carry with me and Mark picks me up from chemo. Stac comes to visit me and takes me for a manicure and pedicure. Vicki E checks on me after each treatment and then again in my good week. The Cruz family gives me secret pomegranate/papaya seed juice with magic powers. I get hugs and encouragement on any given day from Jen, Kat, Liz and Krista. I have a home away from home at Felice and Glen's home and Teddy's. I reconnect over a wonderful fall lunch with Deb and Steve. Mr. Lowery makes sure we have great NY entertainment while mom is in town. My neighbors Mark and Nancy offer me morning coffee and their ever watchful loving eyes, and my family is welcomed into Patty and Richard's home for much needed reprieve and fun. I am so fortunate...there are stories with each of these wonderful people.

Patty and Richard and I became friends through our kids. Our friendship is enduring. I am lucky that we have gone beyond our children to a place where we are friends because we would be friends even without our kids. Those can be rare introductions through the course of your child's life. As parents we meet so many new faces. Preschool play dates, elementary school PTA, middle school plays, fundraisers and high school. O.k high school is usually the cut off for parent introductions. I was so lucky over the years, and quick to recognize those I knew instinctively I could sit through drinks with - a weekend away or a holiday get together. They are very special couples and have in many ways become extended family when mine was not close by - I thank them all!

Patty, Richard and I (Amelia and Ry too) have had the great fortune of traveling together and surviving it with many happy memories! We have spent countless weekends cooking, singing and sipping great wine and sharing the tales of life. So when mom and Michael had reached the end of their ropes and the kids were off to college - the grown ups took the opportunity to get our groove on in the vineyards on the Long Island north shore. Patty and Richard have a beautiful home and are so generous to share it with their friends!

Mom and I . Michael, Patty and Mom tasting wine.

Not every week is a chemo week. It is so important to remember that life keeps going and that I must keep going with it - and my loved ones (friends) make it so much easier. I am a lucky woman!

All my love to my extended family - my friends...

Jen

Cancer brings good things too! Round 3 Chemo August 19th

You have got to be kidding! I know that is what you're thinking. What good could possibly come from this?

Ah so much! Sad and true that when my life became threatened I changed, or at least I would like to think I am so much more grateful. That is a gift.

We have all heard about this. Recovered alcoholics thank their alcoholism for a better life. People who survive a near death accident suddenly leave jobs they have had for years only to start a new. Cancer is humbling and my mom came to take care of me.

Michael's mom Barbara and son Clayton had been visiting. Michael's son was going home now after a week and having driven back up with his dad. It was August 19th. I was going in for my third round of chemotherapy and Michael's mom was generous of spirit and taking care of me. Oh this seems light years ago, and the drugs I take to get me through each time take not only the edge off but the whole 3 days become a blur.  I feel I lose so much.

I remember Barbara sitting with me while I listened on my ipod to the meditation she had given me to help me focus when at chemotherapy. Days before, while on the beach over the weekend huddled under the umbrella, Barbara soothed my lingering pain with acupressure on the back of my neck. I thought of that comforting feeling when I was home with the pump on as Michael was leaving to take Clayton to the airport that evening - Amelia was here and my mom was coming tomorrow.

My mom had come right after my surgery and then went back to Mexico where she has lived for the past four years. I knew she had wanted to come back and was making plans. One day she called and asked, "How would I feel if she came for a longer period of time - say a couple months"? Oh how brave she was being. There had been so much history and lots of reasons for her to wonder if I would want her by my side. I immediately thought - please come, I need you. I spoke these words out loud and we both cried. She would be here on August 20th and stay until October 19th. Michael and Amelia picked her up at the airport and she watched me twist and turn with discomfort through my third treatment. From the bed to the cool tiles of the bathroom floor. Please take this shit off of me. I often cry and think this by the third day just before I have the pump disconnected. I don't fool myself and know that this is hard on us all...and my mom wipes my tears and tells me she loves me and all will be alright. Even if it won't these are soothing words that when spoken by a mom to her child, even when they are all grown up, is suave that can not be purchased or bottled...this is a suave of the heart.

Three things to be grateful for:

1) modern day transportation - airlines can bring your loved ones just when needed

2) Boyfriend's family - Jeff, Adrianne, Lola, Blake, Clayton and Barbara have loved me as much as my own family

3) Mothers and daughters - my own mom and the gratefulness I have for my daughter showing me how to be a loving mom.

All my love,
Jen

Second part of round 2 Chemo - recovered by August 12th

Hi - a solemn hi,

This sucks! Had to have the port repaired on August 6th in the morning and then my lovely friend Debbie G took me over for the completion of my Monday chemo - thanks Deb.

O.k, finally rebounding a bit. I got back my results for the genetic testing - all family members can sigh a big relief as this does not look to be a predisposition of gene growth! Yeah! Val congrats on your clean colon - Kel is next and all the cousins need to still go!

As of yesterday I was ready to hang up this chemo thing! I feel like I am in a fight with the Terminator and he is winning - damn him all to hell! Today I had the most amazing conversation with my health insurance company - Oxford Freedom has a nurse and a social worker for me. They both were so available and understanding and pointing me in directions that are making me feel more optimistic and that I can get to my next treatment....chemo is not for the faint of heart and soul! I am going to Gilda's Club on Thursday and reaching out to CancerCare for more support. Michael has arrived and so there is nothing like love to heal the soul! Having his arms wrapped around me is a blanket that nothing else feels like and so now for the big three grateful's

1) Love - to have a grown up true love compares to nothing.

2) Friends that have set an example of how to grow that love - Patty and Richard, Joanne and Richard, Debra and Steve, Felice and Glen, Shelly and Mark.  I am grateful for the joy and humor I have had in watching relationships that last lifetimes - and don't think I am not aware of how fragile and the work I see you all put into them.....

3) Courage is not what you do when not afraid, but steps we all take when the dark comes and we need faith to move us forward when we are walking a solemn path.

Next treatment next week - Wednesday and mom will be here to hold me and help me heal - I am lucky.

I will be in touch - thank you all for all the support! Patty and Shelly and Dawn - Bill Lowrey were all my angels and saviors last week! I could not do this without you and I am so damn lucky to have the most amazing friends!

All my love!

Jen

June 9 Day 3 "What is tender and when we fall"...

I have known this recollection would be one of the most difficult.  

I woke and had resolve - I would shower today.  I needed to wash my hair, blow it dry, put on a clean gown and make my rounds.  Damn it I wanted out of here.  Michael was coming this morning as he had been every day since he came back to be here.  To be here...what had that meant?  Would he stay after my surgery?  Would he move back into my life?  Did I want him to?  I know I love this man.  He has a heart - generous with all he has even when to me it may seem so little.  Are we right for one another?  Too many questions and none which need to be answered today he would say.

He shows up and comes around the corner, he looks exhausted, but still says, "Hi honey".   I quickly and somewhat quietly respond, "Hi, I want to shower, please help me clean all of this off".  I don't know what "all of this off" really means.  I know that I feel sweat and grime, but there is more.  Fear, collapse, failure, where do I go from here - Michael takes my hand and tries to reach up around to lift me out of bed.  It hurts - I have to find my way myself, a position that I can manage so I scoot to the edge of the bed and try to pull myself up.   Go little cowgirl by your boot straps - that is how you are going to do this!  I can't...I can't do it alone and Michael reaches for my arm as I try to shuffle across the floor to the bathroom.  

He has gathered all my supplies and I am fragile - they have disconnected the IV so I can be in the water.  Naked, holding the bar in the stall I sit on the ledge inside and let the water, warm roll over me - begging to cleanse me and tears come too.  I will never be the same and I barely recognize myself in some ways.  I don't know what to trust.  Michael reaches in and helps me shampoo my hair - sshhh it will be o.k.  I look up and see his kindness and his fear.  

This is not what I, what we planned - such vulnerability.  

June 7th Day 1 post surgery "back to reality"

I was lucky my bed gave me a great view of the west side and the Hudson River.  I could sit in bed - propped up and let the spirit and energy of the City come in to my life and energize me.  I live in a city that refuses to give up....centuries have passed and in each decade within these centuries an extraordinary experiment has taken place.  People - nationalities and belief systems from all across the world come to reside here on this tiny island and her outer boroughs of Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, and the Bronx.  

In my 25 years of living in New York I have experienced one community breakdown - Gavin Cato and his death brought broken hearts and anguish within the Jewish and African American community which resulted in rioting and the death of 29 year old Yankel Rosenbaum. There was much blame across the cultural divides - some which are still healing. The neighborhoods have come back to life.  Jewish and African American communities are alive. The only other tragedy was an attach on America with NYC as the focal point.  September 11, 2001 and the twin towers came down with over 3,000 people who lost their lives and their loved ones.   

NYC has a pride of living and working in peace with people from every continent in spite of bigger global political pictures. 

When I look out the hospital window - weak and broken down I think of our City and how she is picking herself up as each one of us lifts our own spirits and strength.  That is what she is made up of - each one of us and what we give to her and then in return she gives back to us....how can you not love this City!

So I drag my legs over the side of the bed and breath through the pain.  I have been getting a bit of Morphine and Vicodin  - I had to ask for it based on a scale of 1 to 10.  I am learning the pain management in the hospital is very tricky and that one must be clever to advocate for oneself. Speak clearly, be thankful for your nurse and reaffirm to the staff that you are not a junky and have a strong tolerance for pain - but when it reaches the time for relief - relief is needed ASAP!  On the floor there are a number of folks always jocking for the nurses attention. Dropping thank you notes when you leave is very good hospital etiquette - they remember the patience who understand their plight too.  We are all in this together!

Finally I find the strength to get to the bathroom - I need to get these bodily functions working so I can get out of here and they are not making the fluids and jello so appealing.  Finally a bit of urine!  Yeah!  Then I am determine to take a little walk around - another way of helping get the body to function.  It is a short walk - but one the day after surgery.  I want to set the tone of who is going to be in charge of this recovery!  Me not pain, not cancer....so I head back to bed and put on a clean gown and take a nap.  Michael and Amelia will be showing up soon and I get a bit teary eye thinking of my daughter and how much she needs me and how little I can give her right now.  I try to give her humour and optimism.

They show up very shortly after I lay down with a few presents - yes that is good, sick moms need pick me ups!  There are flowers and my own "build-a- bear".  Her name is Champ and proceeds from her sales go to kids in recovery at hospitals.  I feel a bit vulnerable like a kid. Amelia and Michael put much attention into building "Champ"and she even comes with a voice recorded message of love from both of them so I can here their voices when I am alone.   I am lucky to be so loved and lucky that my daughter knows how to share the compassion she was taught all through her life....oh how lucky I am.

I love you both and the strength you give me - the strength this great city gives me and I am so ever grateful

Mom /Jen

June 6th Surgery - no more delays

I woke on June 6th feeling better - hydrated, but in the hospital still preparing for this surgery that I could not get my head around. How did I get here? What was it they were removing? I had a bad feeling and just kept thinking "stay positive" it is powerful! Yeah right, and in the next breath I thought of all the things I could have, should have done different in my life. It was that innately "bad person" that got me here...smoking, eating fatty foods, living unconscious to the concerns of others! Oh, I thought I had some power - please god let me have some.

I was to wait out the day until Doctor T. was available. Michael and Amelia had come back to keep me company - it is all a bit of a daze when I try to think back on this day. I don't want to remember to tell you the truth.

Finally, the time came and I was put on the gurney and taken down to surgery. Amelia braided my hair - I took it out, it made me feel like a little girl. I am the mom and grown woman and I needed to feel like that. We all waited patiently for Dr T. My anastigiologist team and I joked - I do this when I am scared. Then they said it was time to go. I remember kissing Amelia and Michael. I will be back. I love you both so much.

I remember nothing - I was under. Then I woke and know the first words out of my mouth were, "Is it cancer"? My surgeon looked at me and said "yes". I cried. Where was Michael? He was right there. Shelly and Mark came in. Just 30 days ago Shelly and I were joking when I first found the lump. I told her I had the strangest feeling I was going to be in the hospital and she had to promise me that she would not let people visit me without my teeth in. I had had oral surgery and a denture to replace teeth and was very very self conscious. None of this mattered any more. I wanted to hold my daughter and survive! Again, is there a god? Whatever is there please, please let me make it!

Amelia came in and the lead resident on the surgical team - Dr. Rosen and I told her together. I was a bumbling idiot. She held my hand and was trying so hard to be brave. I don't remember what happened next....

The next time I woke it was night and I was in so much pain.

I have so much to catch up on and the re-writing is taking time, especially with such an emotionally charge and frightening environment. I will fill in all the blanks, but want to keep you up to date. I hope you enjoy all the post surgery experience and strength and keep looking back to see how I got here and looking forward for all the time I spend living!

Peace and love
Jen

Oh Mr. Hewitt - you hold my hand through the toughest times

Michael comes back June 2, 2008 for surgery - thank you my friend and lover....if you hit the title you'll know a little more about how I felt in that moment.  Sappy, yeah but oh so true...

May 31, 2008 too much time to relect "devil is in the details"

It has been almost 4 months - and as I am trying to recall the moments that flooded me and paralyzed me at the same time...I understand why some people choose not to talk about their cancer. The nature of the mind is to dismiss that which threatens our mortality - put it all behind us quickly. What a magnificent mechanism to push on for one's survival. I go against my natural instincts and try to recall.

Michael and I met two years ago Memorial Day 2006 at Shelly and Mark's annual BBQ. Our relationship had become a modern day long distance affair, raising kids in our home states - he in Austin Texas, and me here in NYC with Amelia. We had spent the last couple years traveling back and forth every few months and a short stint of cohabiting last fall. Michael had missed the warmth of Texas and most importantly his teen son and went home after the holidays in 2007...I was not sure how this was going to work out. Selfishly I wanted love in my own backyard and at my convenience. I had been alone for far too many years. Michael tried to reassure me it would all somehow work out - I had sent him the quintessential "Dear John" sometime in March.

Michael wanted to visit. I was reluctant to easily roll back into our warm love affair. I suggested he come up for Shelly and Mark's BBQ and spend a little time (5/21 - 5/27) - come visit with friends. We cooked - Michael made his famous backed beans and we easily fell into the comfort of each other for the weekend. There was sadness too. On entering Shelly and Mark's we found out that a dear friend in the neighborhood had unexpectedly died the night before - a staph infection. There was disbelief in the air and many tears. I had quiet thoughts of my own and few new I was having tests. Sue's death made me think even more about how precious life can be and I took in selfishly the love her friends were all so generously expressing in their loss.

Michael and I talked about the lump I had found and tests. He was heading back to Austin and my CAT scan results would be in May 28th. Loved ones always reassure us - all will be alright. Michael headed back to Texas, but still somehow a piece of him stayed here with me.

It was now Saturday 5/31 and I had had my CAT scan results and met with the specialists...I looked out the living room window. Michael and I had spoken so many times and he was on his way back next week. How had this all happened? Amelia was graduating high school and going off to college. The next phase of our lives was about to jump right in front of us - this was not in the plan. I could not absorb what was happening, I did not want to...the phone rang.

It was Dr. T and my surgery needed to happen the upcoming week and we were going for Thursday June 5th. We discussed what he planned to do. He would be doing my surgery laprascopically and would be taking out the right side of my colon. I was in shock and his voice sounded more like - Hmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmhmmmmm than words. I stood in the living room alone and cried. I needed to come back to where I was - to prepare for an experience like I had never had and there were just days to go...

J