So after the big celebration I crashed. Crashed, crashed and crashed...mom is gone, Val went back to Massachusetts (one of my darling sisters) and Amelia has gone back to school.
It was peaceful, but quiet and although I had made it through round 7 I knew and know I am on a different part of this journey now. I think it is acceptance.
When my mom was here she introduced me to her form of meditation - Shambhala Training, a Buddhist study. We went by the NYC chapter to see what it was all about. I had also explored another form of meditation - SGI, Nichiren Buddhism. From each I am gaining insights - mainly the ability to sit still. Oh how that can be...if you know me.
So after sending everyone packing except Michael, I decided to go into the Shambhala Center and listen - the topic "Missing the big picture? Understanding duality and totality...
O.k how big is that? I really had not paid too much attention to the title - I was hoping for some peace and reprieve from many of my emotions. How silly of me....
I had just had a wonderful meeting at CancerCare - where I delivered the gift from our community to theirs, and now mine too. Our $1,200. donation will go specifically to help other colon cancer patients with co-pay grants. I hope to aid the CancerCare community in many ways - keep your eyes out for new info later.
So back at the Shambhala Center...the room is packed! I guess a lot of folks are looking for peace. We all meander around for a bit and then go into a large room with lots of cushions and a beautiful alter and lovely Buddhist symbols everywhere. O.k I am feeling at peace and this is good. I found a cushion and settle in. I am then directed that since I am a beginner I will need to meditate in the beginner room first (oh I hear "the baby" room) and then we will all come back for the topic of tonight's discussion. O.k a bit of moving around, but I am still feeling peaceful. Just getting out into the brisk New York air did wonders and now all of this!
So I spend about 15 minutes with all the beginners and we are introduced to the basics - posture, breath and acknowledging thought. It is that simple - really, now sit down legs crossed on a comfortable cushion or just try the floor, breath quietly but regularly and when a thought comes to your mind acknowledge it and "let it go" as they say. How is it? Not so easy - hey. With a little practice and some nice candles it does get easier. The benefits - well just imagine how much time you spent as a child sitting and feeling inspired.
Now back to this topic of "Big Picture". How ironic huh! So I am back in the big room on a new cushion and see our speaker. She is a lovely Asian woman with this great bob haircut. A bit stern and I am a little intimidated. Maybe I should be - look at the topic she is tackling. Anyway, she starts and what does she say, "This topic is a bit big", and then chuckles. She is o.k in my book and I relax more. She talks for about 40 minutes about how the big picture, life is not static or really linear and that the duality is our struggle in accepting that. Well she does elaborate and very eloquently.
I sit on my hands and I listen. I need to listen. And then there is time for questions. I still sit on my hands - I hear all the other attendees questions. How do we get what we think is the big picture for us, or are we missing the big picture by thinking there is some special purpose for us? How do I carry my peacefulness from the cushion to my relationships? What about that bratty little troubled kid that I teach? I am still sitting on my hands, but not so peaceful. I feel like I want to stand up and scream - hey this is the big picture, it is ever changing one second to the next and you should try as hard as possible to be in the one second you are in because very, very easily and with little advance notice it can all get pulled out from under you! Here let me give you cancer for one day and see if you give two shits about the big or little picture for that matter. I don't say any of this - I raise my hand.
Do life changes - big life changes force us to see the big picture - the struggle with more peace, sometimes. I ask the question rhetorically to myself.
She says "yes". "We can either run to fill it up in those moments, or try and sit with the space it brings".
I sit a little longer and then walk out for a cup of tea in the lobby where the reception is now going on. I talk to a couple of people, about how they have come to this place and then I thank our speaker and talk to her about my mom a little.
I walk out and know I have much work to do on my own inner peace and that just like everyone else in the room - even with cancer it can elude me at times. They didn't need to know I may have gotten a jump start.
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