Who, What, Where, When, Why and How?

I originally started this blog when thinking of my "Empty Nest" with the impending departure of my daughter off to college in the fall of 2008.  We were relishing in her accomplishments and I also feared the loss of her leaving and what would I be left with. Would I celebrate? Would I be paralyzed by time and the need to let go? Could it be a combination? I imagined myself being vulnerable and writing about my experience and that I would connect with others and possibly thrive at a new chapter in my life. Then I got side tracked with cancer that same year and this blog became more about that. Cancer was an experience and opportunity to grow from, but when it was over I found I am still the same me. So I wanted to start this project again. Who am I now as the consuming role of motherhood has changed? Who am I after facing a life threatening disease? What do I want the second half of my life to look like, feel like and be? Will I find disappointment? Will there be joyful celebration? How do I manage change?

For now what I have found, in the days of independence and in the adventure of returning to school is that I am as complex as many, and in someways much the women I was before Amelia came into my life. I carry my baggage of a lifetime and some of it is heavy, burdensome and old and some is new. So I've decided to write....write about co-parenting after separation and divorce, family both the immediate and afar, world issues, PTSD, ODC, compassion, forgiveness, ADD, poetry, art, psychology, community, friendship, communication, photography, Love, hate, anger, music, money, meditation, women's issues, men's issues, aging, being young and vulnerable, adolescents, the terrible twos and twenties, careers, economics, ambitions, dreams...and so much more.  

This will be my journey.

Dad's....

My dear friends father died this week.  My heart goes out to her.

Fathers are what?  They are…provider, loving husband or partner, devote, a friend, mentor, and hero. They are abandoning, abusive, critical, chronically unavailable, and liars. Most are a tapestry of these descriptions and then some.  Many, fortunately have the less scarring traits than others and some really live up to the mythic ideals…all are human beings.  It seems we rarely come to the realization of our parent’s humanness until they are gone.  If fortunate we finally forgive or celebrate, possibly both – because no matter their character and imprint on us, we would not have had this experience without them….they gave us life.

The tale of parent and child endures to the end no matter how we grow up.  Some of us need them less, later in life only to realize we lost so much by not needing them longer or sooner…others of us learnt not to need them and then never stopped needing them no matter how old we get. With each generation we give it our own new twist of the dialogue - lines to our own family plays.

And a woman held a babe to her bosom and said speak to us of children…

Your children are not your children; they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.    They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you they belong not to you…you are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness...Kahil Gibran

I am the daughter of my father as is my dear friend of her father – and both our fathers were the sons of their mothers and fathers and their mothers and fathers – as will be our own children.  Sometimes the bow is stable and the arrow flies…sometime the bow is weak and the arrow still flies, and sometimes the bow is weak and the arrow drops, or sometime the bow is steady and the arrow still cannot fly…but life keeps on going.  Hopefully no matter the journey we learn a bit of reverence, a lot of humor and love.

Love to you Stac

Jen