May 31, 2008 too much time to relect "devil is in the details"

It has been almost 4 months - and as I am trying to recall the moments that flooded me and paralyzed me at the same time...I understand why some people choose not to talk about their cancer. The nature of the mind is to dismiss that which threatens our mortality - put it all behind us quickly. What a magnificent mechanism to push on for one's survival. I go against my natural instincts and try to recall.

Michael and I met two years ago Memorial Day 2006 at Shelly and Mark's annual BBQ. Our relationship had become a modern day long distance affair, raising kids in our home states - he in Austin Texas, and me here in NYC with Amelia. We had spent the last couple years traveling back and forth every few months and a short stint of cohabiting last fall. Michael had missed the warmth of Texas and most importantly his teen son and went home after the holidays in 2007...I was not sure how this was going to work out. Selfishly I wanted love in my own backyard and at my convenience. I had been alone for far too many years. Michael tried to reassure me it would all somehow work out - I had sent him the quintessential "Dear John" sometime in March.

Michael wanted to visit. I was reluctant to easily roll back into our warm love affair. I suggested he come up for Shelly and Mark's BBQ and spend a little time (5/21 - 5/27) - come visit with friends. We cooked - Michael made his famous backed beans and we easily fell into the comfort of each other for the weekend. There was sadness too. On entering Shelly and Mark's we found out that a dear friend in the neighborhood had unexpectedly died the night before - a staph infection. There was disbelief in the air and many tears. I had quiet thoughts of my own and few new I was having tests. Sue's death made me think even more about how precious life can be and I took in selfishly the love her friends were all so generously expressing in their loss.

Michael and I talked about the lump I had found and tests. He was heading back to Austin and my CAT scan results would be in May 28th. Loved ones always reassure us - all will be alright. Michael headed back to Texas, but still somehow a piece of him stayed here with me.

It was now Saturday 5/31 and I had had my CAT scan results and met with the specialists...I looked out the living room window. Michael and I had spoken so many times and he was on his way back next week. How had this all happened? Amelia was graduating high school and going off to college. The next phase of our lives was about to jump right in front of us - this was not in the plan. I could not absorb what was happening, I did not want to...the phone rang.

It was Dr. T and my surgery needed to happen the upcoming week and we were going for Thursday June 5th. We discussed what he planned to do. He would be doing my surgery laprascopically and would be taking out the right side of my colon. I was in shock and his voice sounded more like - Hmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmhmmmmm than words. I stood in the living room alone and cried. I needed to come back to where I was - to prepare for an experience like I had never had and there were just days to go...

J