May 30th - my head is spinning like a childhood top

I am on time - and my GI doctor comes marching in to his office after being in the hospital...hi, are you are mystery girl? Come on in and let's talk. I follow him and feel I can trust him - his help has been with him for years, which is always a great sign at a doctors office. We sit in two chairs next to each other at the end of the examining room - my eyes swell with tears when he looks at me and asks me if I am o.k. "No, I am scared and want to know what the hell is going", I say and continuing, "I have a daughter graduating from high school and my life is entering into a new stage of growth".  His voice calms me. We can do a colonoscopy but we will need to operate even after that - we need to find out what this is. He reassures me that it is a bit of a mystery. My age, 45, and no history of any colon problems for myself or in my family he is kept guessing. He wants to send me up to discuss the situation with a surgeon. He highly recommends Dr. T and picks up the phone - I keep thinking about Amelia and all of my family. I am trying not to be afraid. I want to call Michael / my Mom, please someone tell me what to do.

Dr. T is upstairs and he is in - I go right up. He takes me in right away and looks at my report. He looks at me - Dr. T is a very handsome guy, looks like the star football player from the islands. A dark man with a clean short cut peppered with grey - soothing eyes and a great smile. He is a professional and chair of his department at St. Lukes Roosevelt. We talk....he thinks we should operate and then rule out cancer. He has said the C word, I had been waiting for someone to say this. He quickly follows up with that it can be a number of things - he is a gastral specialist of minimal invasive surgery. I ask him when he thinks he would do this operation - my head is spinning like a childhood top. He has to look at the OR calendar, but would like to schedule within the next week if possible. He also wants to see my films from the CAT scan. I tell him I can get them for him this afternoon.

I walk out into the waiting room and call Angela at TLC - I need to see her for a few minutes. I start crying - I have news that I need to share and am going to need an operation. I walk out of Dr T's office and head to the subway. I am numb - all thoughts have stopped, I call a dear friend who new where I was and she reassures me I will be o.k.

The afternoon is a whirlwind - I stop by the office and send it into a bit of shock, telling Angela that I will need colon surgery and that I have a tumor / growth in my colon and the Dr. wants to rule out cancer. I don't know the exact date but it looks like I will be missing Licensing Show. We have a small office - it is a bit like a little family so I let them know what I know so as not to worry them and I am out - need to get the film and back to Dr. T.

I am home finally around 6:30 and wondering how do I tell my daughter - I have called Michael and my sister Val. Dr T is going to call over the weekend and let me know next steps....I don't sleep so well as I recall. These days are still embedded in my memory like just hours ago.

J