Round 8 November 4th - alone and it was a good thing

I have worked out the schedule for chemo so that I have the good company of my posse.  All the remaining days are covered - last one December 29th!   This one, I was on my own.  

Michael is working - very hard for the benefit of two households.  I could do this - I can do this. I recovered even after the bit of a crash from round 7 and spent my good week sorting through the next stages of my life and cuddling up.  I was ready to go - and I needed to vote also!

Tuesday November 4th - a day for history for all.  We the people made an amazing choice - we put a very courageous man and family in the White House.  Congratulations to President Obama! Yes we can!  

Chemo went as it always does, as it always will go.  Thank you Mark A for taking care of me on Wednesday afternoon.  I am up and typing already - just two days later.

More important, is to acknowledge that the big picture of life is moving right along.  Joe and Amelia voted today!  A new generation of influence is upon us and may we heed their youthful wisdom.  May Amelia heed the wisdom of those who have come before her as William Smith celebrates 100 years of education this weekend and she joyfully celebrates with Joe.  May we all try, try very hard to be kind, patient and thoughtful with ourselves and one another - we are in for a long road of good change.  

Three things to be grateful for:

1. Democracy

2. The right to vote

3. The privilege to participate in my government

xoxoxo

Jen

October 28th Shambhala - sounds so nice, doesn't it...

So after the big celebration I crashed.  Crashed, crashed and crashed...mom is gone, Val went back to Massachusetts (one of my darling sisters) and Amelia has gone back to school. 

It was peaceful, but quiet and although I had made it through round 7 I knew and know I am on a different part of this journey now.  I think it is acceptance.  

When my mom was here she introduced me to her form of meditation - Shambhala Training, a Buddhist study.   We went by the NYC chapter to see what it was all about.  I had also explored another form of meditation - SGI, Nichiren Buddhism.  From each I am gaining insights - mainly the ability to sit still.  Oh how that can be...if you know me.

So after sending everyone packing except Michael, I decided to go into the Shambhala Center and listen - the topic "Missing the big picture?  Understanding duality and totality...

O.k how big is that?  I really had not paid too much attention to the title - I was hoping for some peace and reprieve from many of my emotions.  How silly of me.... 

I had just had a wonderful meeting at CancerCare - where I delivered the gift from our community to theirs, and now mine too.  Our $1,200. donation will go specifically to help other colon cancer patients with co-pay grants.   I hope to aid the CancerCare community in many ways - keep your eyes out for new info later.

So back at the Shambhala Center...the room is packed!  I guess a lot of folks are looking for peace.  We all meander around for a bit and then go into a large room with lots of cushions and a beautiful alter and lovely Buddhist symbols everywhere.  O.k I am feeling at peace and this is good.  I found a cushion and settle in.  I am then directed that since I am a beginner I will need to meditate in the beginner room first (oh I hear "the baby" room) and then we will all come back for the topic of tonight's discussion.  O.k a bit of moving around, but I am still feeling peaceful.   Just getting out into the brisk New York air did wonders and now all of this!  

So I spend about 15 minutes with all the beginners and we are introduced to the basics - posture, breath and acknowledging thought.  It is that simple - really, now sit down legs crossed on a comfortable cushion or just try the floor, breath quietly but regularly and when a thought comes to your mind acknowledge it and "let it go" as they say.  How is it?  Not so easy - hey.  With a little practice and some nice candles it does get easier.  The benefits - well just imagine how much time you spent as a child sitting and feeling inspired.

Now back to this topic of "Big Picture".  How ironic huh!  So I am back in the big room on a new cushion and see our speaker.  She is a lovely Asian woman with this great bob haircut.  A bit stern and I am a little intimidated.  Maybe I should be - look at the topic she is tackling. Anyway, she starts and what does she say, "This topic is a bit big", and then chuckles.  She is o.k in my book and I relax more.  She talks for about 40 minutes about how the big picture, life is not static or really linear and that the duality is our struggle in accepting that.  Well she does elaborate and very eloquently.  

I sit on my hands and I listen.  I need to listen.   And then there is time for questions.  I still sit on my hands - I hear all the other attendees questions.  How do we get what we think is the big picture for us, or are we missing the big picture by thinking there is some special purpose for us?  How do I carry my peacefulness from the cushion to my relationships?  What about that bratty little troubled kid that I teach?  I am still sitting on my hands, but not so peaceful.  I feel like I want to stand up and scream - hey this is the big picture, it is ever changing one second to the next and you should try as hard as possible to be in the one second you are in because very, very easily and with little advance notice it can all get pulled out from under you!  Here let me give you cancer for one day and see if you give two shits about the big or little picture for that matter.   I don't say any of this - I raise my hand.

Do life changes - big life changes force us to see the big picture - the struggle with more peace, sometimes.  I ask the question rhetorically to myself. 

She says "yes".   "We can either run to fill it up in those moments, or try and sit with the space it brings".

I sit a little longer and then walk out for a cup of tea in the lobby where the reception is now going on.  I talk to a couple of people, about how they have come to this place and then I thank our speaker and talk to her about my mom a little.

I walk out and know I have much work to do on my own inner peace and that just like everyone else in the room - even with cancer it can elude me at times.  They didn't need to know I may have gotten a jump start.

Success from a rally of loved ones and Yes, round 7 over!

For the past week I have experienced the joys and profound meanings of friendship and community, sorrow and grief, and fear - the kind that slaps you when you have a revelation of how much of life is beyond your control. I usually write 3 things to be grateful for - this week it feels like so much more.

A week ago my friends and family helped me put together a benefit. We hit it out of the park raising in total just over $12,000 in one night after just 3 weeks organizing! During the event all I hoped for was that people celebrate, celebrate and celebrate life some more...and they did. The Hugh Pool Band played until 11:00, I got to jump for joy when helping my mom, Amelia and Richie award the raffle and silent auction prizes and most important - that which I am soooo soooo grateful for, is seeing a room full of people who have helped raise me to be the woman I am. I am so lucky to have lived in such an amazing community, surrounded by so many wonderful and giving people. As I looked out over the restaurant at Teddy's and saw Amelia's preschool teachers from the Y, the Thompson's and all the soccer parents, folks who I have worked with over the last 18 years, community organizing colleagues, and my family and friends who have become family - I wondered how did this happen? Maybe this comes when you stop running. Over 20 years ago I fell in love with my life in Greenpoint and Williamsburg. I have tried to let the days that all of you have shared with me teach me to be - to be a mom, a friend, a daughter, a community participant and a woman. I am so thankful for all the lessons!

Then the revelation sweeps by - like a fog coming over the docks and reminds me I could easily sleek back in fear. I won't lie and say that I am not scared...I am terrified some moments and for many reasons this week has been particularly tough. My sister stayed for round 7 and we made it! I said good-bye to my mom after having her here to hold my hand through the last 4 treatments. It broke my heart and warmed me all at the same time. She came when I needed her - and now I have strength and more wisdom. I also have a different understanding of this woman - I love you mom.

My father died. Some of you knew and to others this will be another surprise. I did not speak often of my dad as we were far from one another in spirit and physical distance. I got the call the week before the benefit and struggled with what to do. I missed my chemo for the week and let my brothers and other family members tend to my dad's belongings. What happens in a moment can change all our familiar emotional navigation. It can change who we know and who we don't.

How tricky life is to fool us that it stays consistent. Then we breath and find that it really is ...loved ones die, people get sick with diseases that are frightening and friends and family rally....it all happens if we let it and then it moves on for the next unexpected sometimes joyful and glorious moments - that is what we can all expect.

Over the years I have witnessed your love of community and support to others....then it happened for me. How do I acknowledge this gift - what words say how deep this warmth runs? Felice, Glen and Lee - all the team at Teddy's, all the patrons, Hugh and Jane, R.C and Richie and a restaurant full of love...I recently read Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and I think she said what I am hoping my heart conveys to you all.

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices". I thank you all now and forever...

Love,

Jen

Jen's Blast Thursday Oct 16th

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you to all who are helping organize and have made contributions to create such great success for this event - Felice, Glen, Steve, Teresa, Donna, Vicki, Jane and Hugh. Thank you thank you thank you to all the businesses and friends who have donated for the raffle and silent auction - your unquestioning generosity is profound to me. Thank you so much to all my friends, and most humbling to the people who only know us from the request of my friends, for donations that have been made and mailed even before the event has taken place.

I also want to thank Michael Hewitt who has been keeping Amelia and I afloat with his hard work. This is so not what we expected - what I expected as a mom and woman who has worked my whole life.

I don't have words enough for all of you....for a community that has been here for me for over 20 years. May I continue to be there for all of you in ways that you may need - please never hesitate to ask.

Warmest regards,
Jen

Portrait of love

Mom, Amelia and I by Stephen K. Schuster  www.stephenkschuster.com