Father's Day

Red Shoes - it is a horrible tale that ends in such tragedy. I thought of the story as I had spent the day trying to be as kind to myself as possible.

It is the first father's day after my dad died last October. Yeah I wish I could say he had been memorialized by a tribute from his children and loved ones...we are spreading his ashes on July 11th on a mountain top in Colorado that is just now going to be accessible. Some will attend - others will not.

Oh how easy it is too hang on to so much - desire, ambition, expectation, and even dreams. All such human qualities. Maybe that is why the story of the Red Shoes is so tragic. The desires of a little girl to have such pretty shoes and feel special - how normal. Hans Christian Anderson is a morbid and frightening man. Or is he? When we wish so much for something to happen, for life to be so much more and fight against ourselves and everything else to satisfy that desire do we grow out of step, lose our footing. Maybe my dad had done that with his life...he was so out of step with those who so wanted him in their lives. Life is a balance. Parenting can be an even more precarious balance. Letting go of what does not come to be is hardest.

When I left the writers group I attended for an hour and looked down and saw the women's shoes that sat outside the meditation room - I stopped. One pair of east Indian slippers with beads, a pair of Converse and a pair of patent mary-janes...and all red. I have two pairs of red shoes - one I wear for business, they are quite fashionable and the other pair when I am feeling a bit childish. I have lots of other shoes too to keep the balance.

Jen

Support and Inspiration

CancerCare and Memorial Sloan-Kettering host The Nineteenth Annual Living with Cancer Conference to benefit people living with cancer, their families, friends, and health care professionals. Yes, I attended.

I sometimes am jealous of the people who can experience life peripherally. Things happen, they put them in a box up on the "life shelf" and that is it. I just dive into the deep end and find my way around. I think it is a compulsion for information, and the illusion that it brings safety. Maybe if I find out as much as I can I am better armed and more prepared. sometimes though too much information is not a good thing. In this case - the cancer case, I am still wading through and determining how much is too much. In this case maybe there is never too much information, help or compassion.

At the conference I made it through the first half, still recovering from the hernia surgery. By the time the workshops rolled around I was beat; crying through the survivors stories, scared and overwhelmed with detail from the update from the American Society of Clinical Oncology annual meeting. I was already pretty on top of the topics (some I need work on - maybe the "living beyond"). Click the link above to go to the conference page and see the offering.

In spite of my early departure I am glad I went. I still hate being a part of this club. I am grateful though - the people are extraordinary. The will to live and the priorities in peoples lives are so clear. And the cancer professionals are catching up with the disease. The cures are personal and treatments are being geared in that direction. No two cancers are alike - with each individual being looked at as the whole person with targeted therapies. Unconventional support is becoming mainstream in the ways of "live plant diets", yoga and meditation and even Reiki - all ideas that even just five years ago were marginalized.

I am looking forward to learning to better accept my membership and living with it for a very very long time.

xoxoxo

Jen

Happy Anniversary to ME!

I am alive and well! Just last year about this time, say June 6, 2008 to be exact, I had the rug pulled a bit out from under me. Just a little stage 3 colon cancer, my lovely pup of a lifetime - Blackie, went to that big dog run in the sky and my father died in October. Oh, and Amelia went off to college, and I lost my job - holly cow! No don't think that for even a minute. Yeah, sometimes I think that for a few minutes and then....

You know there are hundreds of thousands of people who are in much more pain and having a far more tragic time than I have ever had - even with my worst years. I have never lived in a national war (maybe a little personal one), my daughter's health and journey has been nothing short of blessed - I am so grateful for her joy and freedom. My friends are always there for me (and I hope I am there for them), my family is trying to find its way back and I have opportunities abounding. I am alive!

You know it really is all in how you look at it. Like it rained for what has felt like 40 days and 40 nights, but see what it brought to my little fire escape garden for us.....Gerber daisies - thanks to Felice!

Three things to be grateful for:

1) rain

2) sunshine

3) color

For anyone who is having a hard time, in any way...my heart goes out to you and may you find peace.

xoxo

Jen

Picking Doctors...learn from my valuable lessons

When I found the lump on my right side just over a year ago I had a panic attach and went on the internet. Not good! It was a little shocking when I had asked one doctor, "hey feel this" and they said "no - can't feel anything"...I took their hand and said "FEEL THIS"! Their reply..."Oh that...maybe you should see your GYN"?!

What did I learn? Unless you are in the emergency room get a second opinion from a specialist always. I was lucky. The doctors I was referred to were fantastic - minus a couple hiccups. It never ever hurts to get a little more information though. I just had to have hernia surgery - a complication from my original surgery - a 12% risk of infection with colon surgery gives way to hernias.

I chose to have a new surgeon fix me up. I wanted to keep all my care in one spot and have an oncology surgeon this time around. I had moved over to NY Presbyterian Cornell/Weill for my oncology care at the Jay Monahan Center last year with my diagnosis. Going to a specialist - someone who performs that type of surgery or care over and over can give you the comfort that they know what to expect, what to see and when to use new techniques. Although it can be really, really scary in the midst of a crisis take a few days to ask questions...they may be questions that save your life and well worth the time.

Other item to consider when picking any doc...what kind of care are others getting? Do they take all types of health insurance? Do you have to wait long? Is the facility clean and friendly? For those who are strapped and think a private hospital or practice is out of reach - check on programs they may offer for those who are financially challenged. Are these doctors specialists, teaching, published and known in their fields? Are they respected? Start with your health insurance in network providers - it can save you thousands of dollars. If you really need and want to go out of network, again ask the facilities if there is charitable assistance to help with deductibles, medical co-pays and even drug coverage. Needing help is nothing to be ashamed of and it is available.

My experience with NY Pres has been wonderful. My doctors are smart and attentive leaders in their fields. The facility is beautiful, clean, friendly...all things we should not take for granted especially with the cost of health care - we really should come to expect great care.

Click on the title of this entry and you will go to the New York Magazine 2009 Best Doctors list and see how they choose them. We are our own best advocates. Don't be afraid of your health care - make it your right!

For those of you who want to know more about health care challenges and changes go to Obama's health care page and find a local group that can explain the changes proposed or host one of your own....we are so damn LUCKY we can question and create our government! Do not take it for granted - GET Involved!


Hugs,
Jen

Back In the Saddle....

I have been running, swimming, hiking, biking, yoga and all that jazz....most of my life.  Just a few years ago I was a little frustrated and decided I needed to push myself, so what did I do? What any other 5' 2" frustrated woman does...I joined Team In Training and did the NYC Ford Triathlon for the The Leukemia Lymphoma Society.  It was the most exhilarating 31 + mile experience.  I have never forgotten what I gained in each stage.  The .9 mile swim in the Hudson River was the hardest.  I am a swimmer, who went to the gym and put in her time.  I windsurfed, sailed...but was terrified of the loss of control and distance in open water.  I also had smoked on an off over the years - swimming a mile is no easy task...my lungs and heart were feeling the pain...would I make it?

  

I had to really believe I could carry myself through the unknown.  The 24 mile round trip bike up to the Bronx was a quite reprieve - a place to regain energy lost in the swim.  I congratulated myself on what I had accomplished so far and prepped for the end....6.2 miles over and into Central Park.  I had found my high and I was kicking on to the park course and I new I was going to be fine.  

I almost did not finish my training for that journey - friends and family kept saying I had nothing to prove and if I was too tired and the swim was too much that I could bow out....I couldn't.  There have been many tough fears over the years - and at times they have won.  I needed to know I could rely on myself.  I finished, exhausted and triumphant.  

I often meditated on those moments over the last year.  As I write this I wonder...was that experience guiding me for what was to come?  I was not able to swim through chemo because the drugs Folfox (5 FU and Oxaliplatin) - the Oxaliplatin caused unbelievable aching in my nerves in my ears and chest.  I ran on occasion and walked in my good weeks....

Because of the severe vomiting to a point of dehydration and pain I was perscribed a steroid, Ativan, Emend, Vicodin and a few others... I gained 20 pounds - all to get through 12 treatments over 6 months.   I resented the torture to my body, but I made it...it saved me and it was the hardest journey of my life.  I rewarded myself this past Sunday....

Running the More & Fitness Magazine 1/2 marathon with my dear friend Gloria Cruz!  The heat killed the event.  They had to close down the full marathon and cut the half marathon to a "fun run" for the safety of the athletes.  

We did it though!  Gloria and I clocked  7 Miles in 2 hours and 8 minutes.  I am so very proud of myself and my friend.  Gloria had nursed me and her husband through chemotherapy this past year...only to then loose her job and find that her mom is facing colon cancer as well.   Gloria is so deserving of this personal success and so much More...

Three Things to Be Grateful for:

1) A desire to Live

2) Friends to share challenges and triumphs with

3) The joy of accomplishment - it is food for the soul

xoxox

Jen