Today my daughter is looking at a college she has been accepted to. She is still deciding on where to go and to her great credit has choices. I am preparing for a new stage, a next step in life as Amelia will go off to school and after 18 years my days will be of my own singular needs. There is a ray of surprise and unexpected anticipation at the thought, and a rainy grey as well.
What a strange idea to contemplate. I think I will enjoy life without the added dishes in the sink and a dual calendar to keep. My life was on hold in many ways. The needs and desires of my daughter have taken first place, and my satisfaction in being a mom gave me little choice in that philosophy and I hold true to it with no regret.
After I take a deep breath and think of the time I will have on hand, I think of our deeper intimacy beyond the day to day. There has been a miracle of watching another human grow and challenge her life. I think of the hysterical laughter at unexpected comments, both mine and hers, or the tears of the ups and downs. I know that a huge - no GIGANTIC hole is coming into my life and that I can only hope that watching from a distance will fill it in other ways. I will miss her.... Those words only give a hint to the grief of my upcoming empty nest feelings and I hold back the tears because I know there are new joys for her.
This too is a new experience - a public diary. I wrote in private journals over the last 18 years pouring onto pages the emotions of life. I wonder how this will be to share publicly with both fear and confidence of judgement. I look forward to a new endeavor and what it may bring.
What happened next surprised - I don't think that word gives full credence to what happened next.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILf-54Smv9M for my daughter
Jim Croce - Time In A Bottle
Peace
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